CALL ME SNAKE

–So what’ll it be, the usual? –Yeah, why not? –See the Pats? –Now that was a meaningless game. –True, but it’s always good to hit the playoffs with a “W” under the belt. How was New Year’s? –Got off to a bad start. Took the kids to the fireworks, the early show. But when we got to Park Street, a ton of people were coming down the steps. I knew we missed it. –So what’d you do? –Walked around the Common, through all the slush and puddles, feeling like a chump. –That’s no way to rain in the New Year. Say, I’ve always wondered, how you spell that: r-a-i-n? –Got me. I never won any spelling bees. Ya know how to spell ophthalmology? –No, but I’m looking into laser surgery. My cataracts are cataracting up. –That’s a good one. Like my GI guy said: Quit your bellyachin’. –Reminds me of the time my chiropractor called me “maladjusted.” –Ease up. You’re slayin’ me. –So how’s that in back? Followed the natural line… You don’t want it tapered, do ya? –No, that’s fine. It’s funny, I’m already feeling a little better about things. Maybe 2005 won’t be so bad after all. –That’s the spirit. We’re only a couple of days in. Things could take a turn… –Yeah, maybe… We’ve got a nut job in the White House, a mess in Iraq, and those damn tidal waves. But at least we have a…. Uh…, uh… Help me out. I’m dyin’ here… –A, uh…, good head o’ hair? –Thanks, I needed a little boost. Is it still receeding? –A little. Not bad. –And not too gray? –Nah… Looks distinguished. –I hate that word. Sounds like a euphemism. –You mean like “military intelligence.” –No, that’s an oxymoron. –Heh, watch your language. –Heh, watch your razor. –Tell you what. Let’s just relax a couple of minutes. Take a little break. –No talkin’? –Yeah. For a minute… –OK. Can I say something? –In a sec… All right. How’re the sideburns? Half inch up, straight across… –Fine. So what do you think of Boy Wonder’s latest moves? –Theo’s smart. No question But I’ll tell ya’ one thing: He’s not bringing Ted Williams back. –Not unless he’s got a good defroster. But honestly, I’m a little worried. We lost Pedro, Lowe. Is Manny next? Meanwhile the Yanks get Johnson, Pavano, and maybe Beltran… –Why does everybody keep on about the Yankees? We won the damn thing, for Chrissake! –But we gotta talk about the Yankees. Who else we gonna hate so good? –How ’bout we focus on football, for now. Worry about the spring later. –Whaddaya saying, coach? Take one season at a time? –Yeah, one season at a time. That’ll be $13. ——————————————————————- Steve Nadis can be found on his usual stool at the Central Barber Shop.