CALL ME SNAKE

[AUTHORS NOTE: The following paragraph, believe it or not, was actually published, appearing in a recent issue of a college alumni newsletter. I'd rather not name the school but I will say it is a small liberal arts college in New England. There, I've probably given it away. In any case, I was asked to inform people of any "noteworthy new developments." It was not easy, trying to cram an outsized, bursting-at-the-seams life (in more ways than one, including my Big-and-Tall E-Z Fit jeans) into a postcard-sized space, but here goes. I realize that most of you did not attend this "small liberal arts college in New England," so I'll try to keep the "in" jokes and other obscure references to a minimum. As I see it, that's the least I can do for my faithful blog readership without whom none of this would have been possible....] ***************************************************************************************** Business is exploding on all fronts, but that’s life in the pressure cooker of the bumper sticker trade. I’ve already secured screen rights to my forthcoming (i.e., soon-to-be-written) autobiography: “Bedtime for Bumpers.” If all my “ducks” come through, my company, “Bumpers Unlimited, Limited,” may soon crack the Fortune 500. We’ve recently introduced several new lines, including the ever-popular “four-letter word” series, as in “love is not a four-letter word,” etc., as well as the “mean people suck” series. To wit: “mean people are dirty low-down, guttersnakes that insult and demean kind and tolerant people like me.” Our new product line, “Crib Stickers,” is taking off, headed by the perennial favorite: “To chickens, talk is cheep.” My latest spinoff, “Code Orange,” is tapping the lucrative “what to do when the terrorists are out” market. “Code Orange” lingerie has already created a major stir in the undergarment industry. There’s not much time for soul searching given my 25/8 schedule, but I occasionally wonder about my priorities. I hope that, upon reviewing my life, historians won’t say: “There’s a guy who didn’t spend enough time playing volleyball.”