CALL ME SNAKE

In response to public demand, we’re offering a new feature in this blog: MOVIE REVIEWS. Today we’ll review the Japanese cult-horror hit, “Ju-On: The Grudge.” First, about the title: Is it anti-semitic (i.e., a play on “Jew-on”), as I’m frequently asked? It might be, but for that matter it’s also anti any thinking (i.e., non-comatose) person. As one friend wisely put it: Hellraiser II was no Hellraiser III, and Hellraiser I was no Hellraiser II. Well Ju-On was no Hellraiser I, not by a long shot. I must confess I did not last long into this picture, turning it off after less than half an hour had elapsed. But by then, I’d already seen enough. At the core was a monster so scary that it reduced every character who encountered it, including tough, hardboiled cops, to cringing, sniveling idiots. What was so terrifying to these characters onscreen, though laughable to everyone in the audience? A 6-year-old (or so) boy who was simply having a bad hair day. Now I know why they wanted to remake this movie with Sarah Michelle Gellar (“Buffy Summers” to most people) in the star role. Anything to avoid watching the original, plus the fact that Buffy is pretty darn buff. The scariest thing about Ju-On is that it was a huge hit in Asia and ensures that more horrific horror flicks will be imported to these shores. (IMPORTANT READER SURVEY: How was this review? Too strident? Not strident enough? Or just the right degree of stridency?)