Saturday, May 7, 2005

UPTIGHT, OUT OF SIGHT by Steve Nadis

If my prose seems a bit more stilted than usual, there’s a reason and it’s rather embarrassing. I’ve searched all over town but still can’t find men’s “briefs” (a euphemism for underwear) in my size. For some strange reason, there seems to be a run on 34-inch-waist briefs throughout the fair city of Cambridge. So I was forced to take desperate measures and purchase 32-inch-waist briefs–a size I haven’t worn since high school. Sorry to say it’s made me crabby as all get-out. Sometimes I feel as if I can’t even think straight, what with those snug briefs clamping down on me at all times, without a moments curcease. Plus my writing has become “uptight,” according to several people who follow my work. I visit the stores regularly–hoping, praying for a long-needed respite. The clerks, who’ve gotten to know me pretty well by this time, have promised that 34-inch-waist briefs will be back on the shelves soon, at which point my prose will open up accordingly. Please bear with me during this awkward, constricted phase.
Posted by Snake at 17:47:29
Comments

9 Responses to “UPTIGHT, OUT OF SIGHT by Steve Nadis”

  1. Lindsey says:
    May 7, 2005 at 4:53 pm

    This one is labeled "true," but "dubious" might be a more appropriate heading. This I believe.

  2. Snake says:
    May 7, 2005 at 4:55 pm

    Good point, Lindsey. Perhaps "dubious but true" would be the best way to handle it. This I believe.

  3. BlueBalls says:
    May 8, 2005 at 2:41 pm

    Brother, I know what you mean.

  4. Little Red Ride-Up says:
    May 10, 2005 at 1:40 am

    I think even Burt would enjoy this post.

  5. Snake says:
    May 10, 2005 at 1:58 am

    DEAR "LRRU" — Thanks for taking the time to post up here in the paint. I‘m curious about your nickname. Do you have a ride-up problem too, kind of like a natural, gradually-creeping wedgie? I hate when that happens.

  6. Little Red Ride-Up says:
    May 10, 2005 at 2:16 am

    I must confess that one thing puzzles me about your search for 34-inch waist briefs — namely, that they don‘t exist. In my experience, there are briefs labelled 32-34, and briefs labelled 36-38. If you have any insight as to why these aren‘t labelled 33 and 37 I would love to hear it. Anyway, having a 35-inch waist, I find myself betwixt and between, either hangin‘ too loose or singing soprano. Hence the nickname.

  7. Snake says:
    May 10, 2005 at 2:27 am

    Dear LRRU — Sounds like you & the Snake are having a similar problem. As for 34" waist briefs, I could have sworn that I have some. But maybe I‘m hallucinating the whole thing. Maybe this is the Matrix. Maybe I‘ve got electrodes in my head and am immersed in water, possibly without wearing underwear of any size. That‘s the most plausible explanation I can come up with.

  8. Don Pedro says:
    May 13, 2005 at 9:25 pm

    I too thought that I deserved 34 in briefs. After a few tacos I‘ve found that 36 in. briefs are just fine. Therefore, Snake, and all you would-be 34-35ers, I recommend a taco in the morning before you get dressed and bump it up to the 36-38 variety.

  9. Snake says:
    May 14, 2005 at 2:18 am

    Thanks, Don Pedro, for the suggestion–a variant on the "Supersize Me" approach that appeals to me, given that I much prefer tacos to Big Macs.

    Sometimes I wonder why I bother with this blog. Then an idea like yours falls, unexpectedly, out of the sky, making it all worthwhile.

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