CALL ME SNAKE

Wouldn’t you know it? They tried to pin the “Deep Throat” rap on a 91-year-old retiree living in Santa Rosa, California who can barely talk, on account of a stroke he suffered, but it won’t wash. There’s somebody else who had the motive, access, and connections: ME. As for motive, I’m an avowed Nixon hater from way back. (I wasn’t born in 1952 when he made his famous “Checkers Speech,” but I still didn’t buy it.) As for access, it’s true I was just a high school student during most of the Watergate era, but I was always in the know–collecting information during recess and storing it away within the hidden recesses of my mind. As for connections, I’m a distant relative of Carl Bernstein–that is, if the latest copy of the Bernstein Family Tree is correct. Carl and I met at a Bat Mitzvah in the early 70s (cousin Mindy) and got along so well, we started meeting in parking lots to talk on “deep background,” which is how Carl put it. Sometimes he brought a friend along (I think his name was Woodard), who was a real chatterbox as I recall. I was planning on keeping this a secret, but now–with that publicity hound Felt grabbing all the glory–I’ve decided to step forward. My agent tells me the time for a major book and movie deal is “now or never.” Get ready Hollywood: The Snake is coming to town.