SNAKE GETS HIS COMEUPPANCE (or What Did I Do Wrong? [or Assault on Blog Precinct 13, Redux]) —- by Steve Nadis
It happened yesterday, when I was least expecting it. There I was, feeling smug and self-satisfied–having a great day in other words. The weather outside was perfect–a dry, sunny, and breezy 80 degrees. Though I was chained to my desk, writing about flying squirrels, I did not mind. Then I got some email, a new comment from blog.com. I opened it eagerly–a welcome distraction from my manuscript–expecting the usual laudatory remark. Instead I got–I got my comeuppance is what I got.
The writer Lisa let me know I was a callous cad badly in need of humility. My only hope, she said was volunteer work, preferably with children or homeless people. OK, well, I suppose everyone’s entitled to their opinions. I didn’t ask for it, but there it was. And frankly it bothered me. I’m sure we all could stand to do more in the way of volunteer work, but why was I, of all people, singled out for this public-service assignment, when I could think of plenty of others more in need of salvation?
Maybe it was a harmless prank sent by some kids out for a laugh. Or maybe this Lisa is for real–someone who stumbled upon my blog and felt a powerful urge to dress me down in public, on my home turf. I guess I’ll never know unless Lisa surfaces again and decides to explain why she reacted so strongly to words intended to be humorous or moderately amusing at the very least.
I still like you Snake. You’ve always taken the time to support my poor excuse for blog, which, when you think about it, is kinda like doing volunteer work for the less fortunate.
I figure it out: Lisa is the woman at the grocery store, the victim of your impure thoughts! And now she’s getting you back.
It’s like one of those Lifetime Original TV movies: Pervert mentally gropes Woman in avocado aisle of grocery store. Woman, being clairvoyante, reads his disgusting thoughts and feels violated. Woman goes to law for redress, but is told there is nothing the police can do until said Pervert turns thought into action. So Woman decideds to take law into her own hands. She hunts Pervert day and night until, one day, she discovers he is moonlighting as the infamous Snake on the local blogosphere. She sets her trap for him and–wham! Total humiliation!
Boy, this is going to be good. Can’t wait to see how it ends. (Anyone got popcorn?)
Thank you Doc for your daily affirmation. As for you, Gatemouth, I find your theory quite interesting. The only thing I wasn’t so keen on was the "Pervert" part, which strikes me as rather harsh. Couldn’t we just say "Deviate"?
Sorry, Snake–I only used "Pervert" to mimic the sort of easy-to-label, Hallmark-values TV language that the wonderful Lifetime Movie people offer us every day. Didn’t mean to imply that you actually ARE a pervert.
I myself had impure thoughts once or twice in my life. Then I found God and devoted my life to His worship, and have not been tempted since. If only the rest of America would know the peace I’ve found through God, censorship, the invasion of Muslim countries, and our wonderful, prescient leader, President Bush. Damn you liberals and your impure thoughts! Damn you to Hell!
Ha! Just kidding! Anyway, got to get back to fantasizing about that Olympic Beach Volleyball team…
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