COSMIC STRINGS REDUX —————— by Steve Nadis
Turd Blossom, my trusted advisor, asked whether I’d follow up on my success with cosmic strings (see “A [Long Overdue?] Pat on the Back,” September 14, 2005) by writing a monograph about string cheeses. I told him that I hadn’t yet decided upon a second act but I knew that whatever I did, it had to be big. In that regard, string cheeses surely qualify.
Upon reflection, however, I’ve decided to modify that last statement somewhat. String cheeses, in physical terms, are not as big as cosmic strings–the former are typically measured in inches, whereas the latter, which may span the entire universe, are measured in megaparsecs or billions of light-years. However, string cheeses are still much bigger in a financial sense. Despite the vast potential of cosmic strings, no one has yet figured out how to make any money out of them. There’s got to be a way, and you can be sure that, as we speak, some of the best minds in the world are working on that very problem.
Posted by
at
20:55:18
This is hardly worth commenting on.
Obviusly Burt doesn’t have children. String cheese is HUGE with kids, much bigger than string theory. Which they don’t care about cuz you can’t eat it.
Being a Wisconsin native I am well versed in cheese physics. The greatest mystery in this field is not the properties of string cheese but rather, what Cheez Whiz IS exactly.
I agree. The physics of string cheese is fairly well established at this point. The nature of Cheez Whiz, on the other hand, remains one of THE fundamental questions of science, right up there with what is dark matter and what is dark energy.
This is my idea: if you can patent human genome sequences, why not patent cosmological phenomena? I already put in my application for patents for cosmic strings, dark matter, dark energy, and, just in case, all parallel universes (except, obviously, those where patents don’t exist). Oh, and I also got a patent on every waveform collapse. So if you have a cat in a box with some poison, don’t open the box unless you want to pay me.
It’s a lot of money up front, but I think it will really pay off some day. Imagine the royalties on all the dark matter in every house in America! I’ll be rich, I tell you–filthy, stinking rich! (Cue evil laughtrack.)
Dead or alive, Gatemouth, you truly are a mad genius. How can I invest?
Glad to have you on board, Snake. Just put $20,000 in small bills and a lit candle in a box and send it to me. If the cash is still there when I open the box, you’re in!
OK but when you reach in, you might want to look out for snakes.
I’ve a good mind to call Schrodinger. He keeps telling me one can never tell if the cat is alive or dead, but he’s not the one who has to listen to it howling all damn night from that box. And to top it all off, I now apparently owe Gatemouth royalies.
I suggest you pay the man; his friends can be very “persuasive,” and I don’t mean that in a Jane Austen sense.
That’s right–I can foreclose on each and every one of your electrons. So don’t mess with Darth Gatemouth!
Aha, so we’ve finally figured out what the mysterious "fifth force" is.