CALL ME SNAKE

In his sci-fi novel, THE MAN IN THE HIGH CASTLE, Philip K. Dick writes about a world in which the Germans and Japanese won World War II. In this version, which is kind of a sequel, Al Gore became President in 2000 and we’re not in Iraq. That could easily have happened, were it not for an innocent action, which seemed almost trivial at the time, that nevertheless triggered a chain of unforeseen events. So how did Bush end up in the White House instead of Big Al? I’m embarrassed to say that I, Snake, played a pivotal role in that process, even though anyone who reads this blog knows I’m no fan of our Fearless Leader.

Here’s how it happened: Let’s go back in time to 1980. (Time travel is easy in science fiction.) I’m at a conference/exposition in Rotterdam, staying at the same hotel as Ralph Nader. I even had breakfast with him once or twice. The last time I saw him was during breakfast, in fact. He got up from the table, leaving his International Herald Tribune behind. I grabbed the paper and raced to the train with a friend. He asks me where I got the paper. I say Ralph left it. He says, “Ralph just went to get more food, you idiot! He was coming back!”

Interesting story, you might say, a real sidesplitter, but how did that put W in the White House? Don’t feel bad if it’s not obvious to you–it took me a quarter of a century to piece it together: Ralph comes back from the buffet table, looking forward to having a quiet moment to read his paper before heading to the conference himself. And the paper is gone. That’s right, vanished. And that young kid, just 25 years old, who seemed to have so much going for him–our nation’s future, you might say–had the nerve to swipe it. HIS paper. As a result, Ralph Nader, who had been a selfless crusader–taking on GM, the nuclear industry, and anyone else in the path of truth, justice, and the American way–becomes jaded and cynical. He runs for president in 2000, even though everyone tells him not to. It will put Bush in the White House, they warn. F___ ‘em, he says. Bush, Gore, what’s the difference? And, as a result, Bush beats Gore, as we all know–with some assistance from his brother, the Florida Secretary of State, the U.S. Supreme Court, tough guy Jim Baker, and a few other little helpers along the way. The rest, as they say, is history. And it’s all my fault.

Bush says if he could do all over again in Iraq, he’d do it just the same way–making the same mistakes, telling the same lies, saying the same idiotic things on that aircraft carrier, etc. And if I could do it all over again, knowing what I know now, what would I do? Would I take the paper? Or walk away?

Truthfully, it’s hard to say. I can’t stand the thought of Bush in the Oval Office. It turns my stomach and may be contributing to my acid reflux disease (for which the makers of Prilosec thank me). On the other hand, I was looking at a long train ride to Amsterdam with nothing to read… What would you do?