CALL ME SNAKE

As Groucho Marx once said, "I really must be leaving." Or did he say, "I really must be going"? Either way, I'm leaving, or going, for a brief while. Not exactly "fishin'," as the title suggests, but I am headed to a place Down South--Nashville, Tennessee to be exact-- where people (or "folk," as they call it) have trouble pronouncin' the g's at the end of words. The problem is so severe, in fact, that they've takin' to avoidin' the terminal "g" altogether. Hence the fishin'--not to be confused with fission, which occurs elsewhere in the state of Tennessee, at a place called Oak Ridge. But we're not goin' there.

I can already hear the questions. Why Nashville? And why now? On the middle of the Final Four weekend, and with the Celtics season still in progress? I can only say that my younger, smarter, and more successful cousin picked this weekend to get married. I didn't get to pick the weekend, nor did I get to pick my cousin. But if I had to do it all over again, I still would have picked the same cousin because, for one thing, he's a talented athlete, vying at the highest levels of international competition. That's right. You guessed it: He's a "rock, paper, scissors" expert who's gone head-to-head with some of the world's other elite athletes. (We've even talked about that in these pages. If you can't recall, let me give you a helpful hint: It's called "Archives.")

I'm not sure how much time I'll actually get to spend with my illustrious cousin, as he is getting married. But I hope that just by hanging around, some of his athleticism may rub off on me. In any case, rest assured that I'll share anything I learn about "rock, paper, and scissors," as well as about life in general, with my readers, who are generally supportive, but sometimes come off as a community of nitpickers. More on that in my next missive. And speaking of missives, I've got a plane to miss.

My two-year old fell asleep at 4:30 p.m., which may seem irrelevant in a report on tonight's Celtics game, but unfortunately it is all too germane. That nap meant she stayed up way past her normal bedtime, as her daddy invented story after story about the continuing adventures (endlessly so) of Cindy the rabbit and Giselle the donkey. When he/I finally got her into bed and checked the TV listings, it was too late. Doc Rivers was already delivering his grim press conference, during which I learned very little, except that the team's offense was horrible and defense even worse. From those two facts, plus Doc's unmistakably negative affect, I was forced to conclude that the team dropped its fourth straight game--losing this time to an opponent whose identity was not revealed during the portion of the press conference I witnessed.

Still, I fear the heady days of the great winning streak, which coincided with my personal "wrong streak," are now over. That euphoric, Walker-induced burst has been supplanted with a colder, harsher reality. Maybe I'm still wrong (we can only hope!), but I fear that I'm right. If so, all those doubts I've tried to suppress during these past few giddy weeks are now rising up like a giant wave--a tsunami is the word that comes to mind, though it may be too charged to use here--ready to crush our hopes like so much flotsam and jetsam. (I'm not sure if that simile works, but I think you still get the drift.) There's no dancing around it: My record-breaking wrong streak is finished. I was right after all. As a result, the pawns of this cat-and-mouse game (another mixed metaphor?), the Boston Celtics, are now in a tailspin, with no end in sight.

Johnnie Cochran died yesterday in Los Angeles at the age of 67. I never met Mr. Cochran but Alan Dershowitz, who is often seen in these parts, had some nice things to say about him, and I have no reason to doubt the "Dersh" on this score. By all accounts, Cochran was a masterful attorney whose exploits have been extensively chronicled elsewhere. Like most bloggers who contribute little, if anything, in the way of new information, I have nothing to add to that story. My only complaint--and maybe it's not a "complaint," more like a gripe or perhaps just an observation--is that the Boston Globe, my hometown paper, put his obit. on page B8. B8 for a world-famous litigator who was parodied on "Saturday Night Live" and "Seinfeld"? B8 for a guy who immortalized the phrase: "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit"? What does that say for an average schmoe like me? Not that I'm planning to die anytime soon (who is, when you get right down to it?), yet I always held out the distant hope of cracking the front page. But if a guy like Cochran gets B8, I'll be lucky to pull a G37, sitting in the back of the "Automotive" section between adds for Muzi Chevrolet and Herb Chambers Toyota. That's enough to keep anyone going for awhile, which means I better stop blogging and start getting some exercise.

The team--or, rather, "our team"--will play tonight. I have this on the highest authority and encourage you to bet as much as you can possibly afford, and more if at all possible, on the fact that they will, in all likelihood (barring unforeseen disasters, power outtages, or labor strikes) play. However, the identity of their opponent, as well as the time and place of the game, are still being kept secret. News is trickling in from various contacts in the field (along with some leaks regarding purchase orders for Red Auerbach's cigars), and further updates will follow on this and other late-breaking stories. We realize you have a choice in your Official and Unofficial Boston Celtics Updates and thank you for choosing this blog. Our hope is to reward that trust with the best, most authoritative, and yes even DEFINITIVE information that can be legally obtained, without resorting to blackmail, extortion, and physical or emotional intimidation. (Please don't "lawyer up" on me just when we're getting along so well.) All of us here at "Call Me Snake" are dependent on your support, as well as on funding from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation. "Genius grants" will be accepted (during business hours only, PLEASE!) and passed on immediately to their rightful recipient: the honorable Danny Ainge.

An astute reader "called in," so to speak, to let me know of an error that occurred in my March 28 entry, "THIS I BELIEVE." I had originally written the following: "After sifting the the various arguments raised..." This reader, with her eagle-sharp eyes, as well as keen mental acuity, informed me of the "double-article" construction, which is frowned upon in the Queen's English. I quickly corrected the offending passage so that it now reads: "After sifting through the various arguments raised..." I apologize for any emotional distress unwittingly caused by this error, especially in view of the delicate subject matter.

Meanwhile, another astute reader--even more astute than the first reader, who is already quite astute, if not very astute, and I mean "quite" in the American (i.e., heightening) sense, rather than in the British (i.e., diminishing) sense--pointed out that what has evolved here is truly quite remarkable: "an online spellchecking (sic) community." I am grateful for all the help I have received in this regard, particularly since my "spellchecking" (sic) software seems to be disabled in blog.com. What's more, I agree with almost everything this well-meaning individual said. Nevertheless, I do take issue with one aspect of his statement: "spellchecking," at least to my way of thinking, ought to be hyphenated.

Who said that college kids these days don't give a damn? At Harvard University, they're taking it to the streets. While in my day, student protestors were wont to say, "Off the pig," undergraduates at Harvard have a new rallying cry, "Off the shelf," in response to the injustice of having some of their favorite cereals removed from the cafeteria buffet. There's even a new activist organization (a PAC, essentially) with the pithy name "Harvard Students for the Reimplementation of Brand-Named Cereals." At a lesser institution, the students might not have been comfortable with the six-syllable "reimplementation," going with the two-syllable "return" instead. What has the HSRBNC up in arms? The removal of Lucky Charms for one thing, along with Fruit Loops and Cap'n Crunch. No wonder they're up in arms. For their whole lives they've had it drummed into their heads that "breakfast is the most important meal of the day"--just as "tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life." If breakfast is as important as we've heard it is, setting us in good stead to face the first day of the rest of our lives, who can blame 'em?

For obvious reasons, I have been reluctant to wade into the murky waters of the Terri Schiavo case. But lately there has been much debate over what Terri, herself, would really want, which in the end is what it all comes down to. After sifting through the various arguments raised, it's clear to me that there really is just one person--one man, in fact--in a position to know Terri's true state of mind and convictions regarding this extraordinarily complex and sensitive matter. That man is Tom DeLay.

The Celtics schedule is--and has been for decades--one of the best-kept secrets in Boston (along with where Arnold "Red" Auerbach procures his trademark cigars). Relying on a well-established network of informants, I have now determined that, in all likelihood, the team is off until Wednesday of this week, at which time it will resume league play against an opponent to be named. If several days have elapsed and you have not seen my official, play-by-play coverage of the Men (Boys?) in Green's latest contest, it is probably due to the fact that they have not yet played. Continuous updates will be posted here as more information comes in.

(DATELINE Cambridge) A car plowed into a motel in Colorado Springs yesterday, injuring none and killing none. The establishment at the base of Pikes Peak, formerly called "Motel 6," has since been renamed "Motel 7." After complaints from customers, the motel has implemented a two-tier pricing system, with deep discounts offered to people staying in the drive-thru rooms. Other motels will soon follow suit in the fiercely-competitive lodging trade. (From Wire services and "various sources.")

For weeks, I've been using the word "genius" to describe Danny Ainge's decision to acquire, or perhaps we should say "reacquire," Antoine Walker. Once again, the Boston Globe has followed my lead. First their columnist Peter May came around to my point of view a week or so. Then Celts beat reporter Shira Springer wrote in yesterday's (March 27, 2005) edition of the paper: "... the Walker deal looks like something approximating a STROKE OF GENIUS (EMPHASIS ADDED) by executive director of player operations (I've been calling him "GM," which is close enough in my book and a heck of a lot shorter) Danny Ainge." So you see, I'm not making this stuff up. Even the Globe backs me up--a paper that has unlimited resources to ensure the accuracy of its every single word. To the Doubting Thomases who never give me a moment's pause, I point out that what I've been telling you is indeed "true," as the so-called "tag" below indicates. That's not to say we're taking any of our readers for granted here at "Call Me Snake." We realize you have a choice when it comes to your Boston Celtics/Antoine Walker/Danny Ainge/Snake's "wrong streak" news, and we thank you for putting this blog first.