THWARTED AGAIN — by Steve Nadis
You try to make amends. You try to do the right thing. But fate has a way of lifting you up, ever so gently, and smashing you down on the pavement. Take yesterday, for example. I stopped in the morning at the place I love to hate, Whole Foods, after bicycling with my first grader to her school. As many people know (I’ve made my struggles all too public, some would say), I’m trying hard to break my scone “habit.” Muffins were on sale for 89 cents. It seemed like a great opportunity to try something different. But then fate stepped in as he (she?) always does. Every muffin was burnt–every last one. Not just slightly browned on the edges but black. (When I’ve mentioned this to the managers of this establishment before, they act surprised, as if they’ve never noticed. Yet it is a daily occurrence.) Curiously the scones are never burnt. Which put me right back in the jackpot. No one said it’d be easy, and it ain’t.
I never promised you a bowl of cherries. The heart is a lonely hunter. Apples don’t grow on trees. (Actually they do but bear with me anyway.) And fate is a four-letter word.
Hi Snake,
Is the switch from scones to muffins really worth all this hassle? Most muffins have almost the same number of calories as scones (both in the 400 range, with a few exceptions). And while it’s true that scones have a higher fat content (about 40% versus a range of 10% - 30% for muffins), a large muffin could still have the same number of grams of fat as a small scone. So why sweat it? Enjoy your morning scones. I’m sure you burn off all the calories anyway, what with your beach volleyball and handball and bicycling to and from Whole Foods. And let’s not forget all the calories your brain burns keeping this blog going.
Thanks Gatemouth. Those numbers are reassuring. (Why don’t I know things like this?) Maybe I’d better stop whining about scones and find something else–something more worthy–to whine about. Any suggestions?
How about a contest for bumper stickers about whining? I’ll start:
1) Bush: “No 1st Amendment, no whiners, no problem!”
Give peace a chance: Shoot a whiner.
2) If a liberal whines in the forest, does Dick Cheney shoot him?
3) If whining could save the world, you’d be the Messiah.
4) Global warming - it’s not just for whiners anymore.
5) The kids in my other car whine, too.
6) A whine a day keeps pretty much everyone away.
7) First thing we do, let’s shoot all the whiners.
9) If you can hear me whine, you’re driving too close.
10) This is the way the world ends: not with a bang but with a lot of whining.
And please, can we all agree to skip the obvious “Whiner on board!” and “I whine, therefore I am”?
Steve, the problem is that you’re trying to solve this by substitution. You’re swapping one sweet carbohydrate- laden pastry with another. Its never going to work. You’ve got to face the music, bite the bullet, and go cold turkey.
Don’t listen to her, Snake! Sweet carbohydrate-laden pastries are your friends! I mean, who wants to have a celery stick with his/her coffee?
Thanks guys for the information, though it’s leaving me feeling conflicted. As James Dean said in Rebel w/o a Cause, “You’re tearing me apart!”
By the way, Gatemouth, I love your suggestion. We’re going to kick off the next contest (soooner than I expected) with another “Celebrity Guest Comment.”
I hate scones. And muffins too. What’ll it take to get you to stop writing about them?
Hi Burt — I think I get the gist of your comment. The question now is what to do about it.
Hey Snake, I’d suggest a vacation to clear your head during recover, but the way things are going you’d probably end up here.
It seems that fate keeps throwing you back to scones. The mysteries of the universe want Snake and scones, not Snake and muffins. Embrace It. Be One With It.
Thanks FW for the good advice. And thanks to you too, Doc, for showing me where I’ll end up if I bottom out.