CALL ME SNAKE

The other day, in response to a post about sleep deprivation that I’m still hazy about, Gatemouth had this to say:

Don’t worry, Snake. Scientists have already identified the major cause of sleep deprivation: kids. The breakdown in kid-related sleep interruptions is as follows:

Midnight feedings - 13%

Diaper change - 6%

Bug in the room - 22%

Weird noise - 17%

Bad dreams - 26%

Out late w/friends and car - 16%

Luckily, the cure is pretty simple. You just ship the kids off to college.

CELEBRITY GUEST REBUTTAL (from an anonymous friend in Nashville [why does that burg keep coming up???] that we’ll call “Fletch”): Gatemouth has it right on the sleep thing.  To us, Snake, it seemed right about the time they were “self-sufficient” in terms of bathing themselves, having you read or tell them a bedtime story, tucking them in, etc. - about the time you begin to look forward to peaceful evenings of a couple of hours/minutes in the evening with your spouse before drifting off to sleep - is when they suddenly develop the ability to stay up later than you.  Then they want you to drive them places on Fri. and Sat. nights (and pick them up). Then come the cars.  It’s a conspiracy and yes, college is the antidote. 

SNAKE REPLIES: I’m still a bit dazed, I must confess, from the lack of sleep due to various causes (weird noise, bug in room, bad dreams, etc.), and thus did not follow these arguments as closely as I (AND YOU) might have liked. But at first glance it seems that everyone agrees that somehow, somewhere, the answer has something to do with college. This, I’m sure, is an important finding that deserves all the attention I’ve bestowed on it.