THAT’S ME — ON THE COVER OF PARADE! by Steve Nadis
Not only did she hog the cover, she’s telling my story–you know the one, about the fall from grace, the staring into the abyss, but never quite giving up on yourself, even when everyone else has, including your mother and pet gerbil. Until you rise up again. And walk on all fours. And triumph! Well, that’s me all over again (though I haven’t yet reached the triumph part–still stuck in the quadruped perambulation phase, if truth be told).
And, apparently, that’s Vanessa’s heartwarming saga, as well. In fact, I think I could embrace–not just Vanessa Williams, who, apart from being kind of hot, is, I’m pretty sure, married, and so, come to think of it, am I… No, what I meant to say is that I could embrace–and embody and personify and actualize (if that’s the right word)–practically every cover quote, every rousing, heartfelt tale the magazine has run, or thought of running, or decided against running, in its incredible, inimitable, indomitable history:
“Suddenly my world was ripped asunder.”
“I was so low, my head hit the floor on the way up.”
“It hurt so bad, I would’ve cried, if only I knew how.”
“I’ve known pain.”
“I’ve known sorrow.”
“I’ve known rivers…”
“I got tired of being a used dishrag.”
“I got tired of being used.”
“I got tired.”
“I decided to live my life rather than let life live me.”
“Deep down, I always knew there was a road back. If not a through road, at least a cul-de-sac.”
“I thought I’d never love again.”
“She taught me how to love again.”
“He taught me how to love again.”
“They taught me how to love again.”
“It taught me how to love again.”
“After the 10th cheeseburger, I finally realized I had to look within.”
“The whole time, the truth lay right in front of me, staring me in the butt.”
“If only I’d opened my eyes!”
“If only I’d closed my eyes!”
“The answer was not in a bottle. Nor in a vial. Nor in a bag of COOL RANCH Flavored Tortilla Chips.”
“It was as if I’d been in a decades-long fog…”
“And then, when I least expected it, the clouds lifted. And–for the first time in years, it seemed–the chance of precipitation dropped below 50 percent.”
“Years later, in the middle of the weather forecast, I finally got the wake-up call I needed.”
“In the end, all I needed was a good kick in the ass.”
“In the end, all I needed was a swift kick in the rear.”
“In the end, all I needed was a firm kick in the behind.”
“In the end, all I needed was a well-placed kick to the gluteus maximus.”
“It came from a place I never knew existed…”
“There was only one way to go, and I’d already been down.”
“I got on my feet and, literally, willed myself up.”
“Drawing on reserves of strength I thought I never had…”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned (and, in fact, there’ve been many), it’s this: ‘NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER GIVE UP! NEVER GIVE UP!’ (Sorry, did I repeat myself?)”
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Well, that’s my life in a nutshell. Played out, for the whole world to see, on the cover of PARADE Magazine. It’s been one heckuva ride, and I thank you all for your indulgence. Now can I please have some privacy?
