CALL ME SNAKE

Not to "toot my own horn" but Gatemouth rated my last post as one of my best ever. "Now that we know what you're capable of," he says, "the handball diaries just ain't going to cut it anymore." I took his comment to heart and, as a result, haven't written anything here for a couple of days. The fact is, I don't want to raise the bar too high because, as I've said before, I don't respond well to pressure. Even the best hitters don't hit a home run every time up to the plate. Sometimes they get a single. Sometimes they bunt. And sometimes they strike out.

So I'm going to accept Gatemouth's compliment (it's clear, from the way he writes, that he knows what he's talking about), but I'm also going to take the pressure off myself a little bit. If I'm lucky, every now and then I might connect and hit one for extra bases. But most times, I won't do that. Maybe I'll get on base with a walk. Or an error. Or beat out an infield ground ball. That said, I'm going for an infield hit here, at best.

First off, I pulled that rare feat in consumerism earlier today. Shopping at CVS (where else?) this morning, I "zeroed out." To those of you amateurs unfamiliar with the term, I'll explain. Or better yet, I'll give you an example: I purchased a 6.4 ounce tube of Colgate "Cavity Prevention" toothpaste on sale for 99 cents. With my dollar off coupon, it was free. Gratis. That, my friends, is ZEROING OUT. It doesn't happen often (trust me, as one who's been there), so when it does one must savor it.

In my second at bat (not to tip my hand but I might be bunting or trying to make it on a dropped third strike), I'd like to issue a warning: Doing puzzles can be hazardous to your health. Especially if you're over a certain age where injuries come in unexpected ways. As I was saying, after dinner my daughter and I were working on a new, 60-piece puzzle. We had it spread out on the living room floor in a slightly cramped area (which is how one might describe our entire house). I tried to maneuver around to put in a piece and as I twisted, my foot got caught beneath the couch, causing a serious strain to my right knee, which has been killing me ever since. So I want to caution you all about the hazards posed by puzzles. Maybe it's time for the industry to start issuing warnings. We can begin that campaign right here. Right now. There's no time like the present. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta take some Advils and ice the offending joint.

I saw "United 93" last night. The movie is extremely well done, though I can see why it's not a huge box office hit. Most people want to be entertained and don't want to watch a planeful of people headed to their ineluctable doom. (Sorry if I spoiled the ending.) The best part of the movie, by far, is the confusion in the FAA and NORAD control centers as people try to figure what's going on and what should be done about it. The military is trying to get fighter jets ready but needs authorization from the president to engage a hijacked jet. Of course, no one can reach Bush.

While watching these scenes, I kept thinking of him sitting there in the Florida classroom, like a deer caught in the headlights, after having been informed of the first attack on the World Trade Center. The movie, for me, really brought home how badly Bush let down the nation in a time of need. People's lives, including those of the people on United 93, were literally hanging in the balance, yet he was unable to excuse himself from an elementary school and take some executive action. And then he gets reelected as the "war president" and fearless leader of the anti-terrorist cause. What a joke--and a painful one at that.

Just as I suspected, the headline news feature was so popular, I'm back at it again. The first headline, "He was a nice person," was cribbed from "Metro," Boston's free tabloid. It concerns a man from Framingham, Mass. charged with bludgeoning his wife and 11-year-old stepson to death with a hammer. It makes me wonder: How would he have handled things if he weren't "a nice person"?

Today's second entry comes from the same paper (which I get for Sudoku, NOT TO READ) includes a useful "to-do list" for what you need to do to stage your own shooting and make it look like your son did it to get back at him as part of a bitter family dispute. (Did I mention a lot of money is involved?) A former MIT professor (and internet guru) is charged with doing just that. And if you ever find yourself in the same situation as this former MIT professor (and internet guru) apparently found himself in, the article contains a veritable goldmine of information.

Today we're introducing a new feature here at Call Me Snake--Headline News (based on stories taken from the front page of the newspaper of record, the Boston Globe). The idea behind "Headline News" is self-explanatory. So without further ado, here is "Headline News," which is certain to become one of the most (if not THE most) popular features here at Call Me Snake.

1. The U.S. has spent $4 billion on its war on drugs in Colombia. As a result of that multibillion-dolar campaign--the nation's largest foreign aid program outside our current war zones--Colombia is now producing more cocaine than when the effort began. You have to consider that an excellent return on investment.

• Here in Massachusetts (we're always ahead of the curve!) 2d graders are now preparing PowerPoint presentations for their classroom projects. Civilization, as a result, has taken a huge leap forward.

3. Cardinal Sean O'Malley has taken a hard line on Dr. Robert Haddad, president of the company that runs Boston's St. Elizabeth's Hospital (St. Elsewhere?). Haddad's transgressions? Sexual harrassment (hugging, kissing, late-night phone calls) of the hospital's female employees. I applaud O'Malley for taking this behavior seriously. Good job--you're a real advocate for the oppressed. Too bad the Catholic Church turns a blind eye on the thousands of children, in our town alone, molested (and messed up for life) by their perverted priests.

Yesterday Gatemouth pointed out that 5518 words are not all that much and I agree. Yet a person can say a lot in 100 words or less, especially if those words are shrewdly chosen, as you shall see in our new feature named “IN 100 WORDS OR LESS...” The first entry is a book review, or shall I say mini-book review. Here it is; please count along with me to make sure I do not overstay my 100-word welcome:
 
It came without notice, turning my universe upside down--a new book from “Career Engineering-Physicist” Bobby McGehee, “NEW UNIVERSE THEORY WITH THE LAWS OF PHYSICS” (authorhouse, 2005).  According to the author (who hails from an Arizona retirement community), the New Universe Theory (NUT) agrees with the "Laws of Physics," at least as he defines them, whereas the Big Bang Theory, in his estimation, was never compliant. Anyone worrying about the universe’s fate, as I often do, will find comfort in McGehee’s conclusion: "The universe is not expanding to its death: It is continuing to grow with vim, vigor, and vitality."

Today we're introducing a new feature here at Call Me Snake called "May We Suggest..." We're proud of this new feature here at Call Me Snake and are sure it will become an instant hit, possibly becoming a daily (or even twice daily!) feature. So sit back and enjoy "May We Suggest..."

 MAY WE SUGGEST... A Brief History of Bycatch Management Measures for Eastern Bering Sea Groundfish Fisheries. DAVID WITHERELL and CLARENCE PAUTZKE.  Marine Fisheries Review (Fall 1997): p15(1). (5518 words)

EDITOR’S NOTE: If this is a “brief history” at 5518 words, I’d hate to see the “compleat history.”