CALL ME SNAKE

You’ve all seen the T-shirts: “02138. The most opinionated zip code in America.” It’s a silly inscription that mainly owes to the TV show, “Beverly Hills, 90210.” I wonder what they claim for 90210, “the largest-breasted zip code in America”? But getting back to Cambridge, if 02138 is America’s most opinionated, who’s second?

I’d like to make the case for 02139, and I say this with no disrespect intended for 02140, 02141, and 02142, which are fine zip codes in their own rights–one of which I called home for a number of happy years. (Or at least I thought I was happy until I moved into 01239 and discovered what happiness really is.) I say all this not just because I presently live in 02139 and have opinions on every possible subject, especially those I know absolutely nothing about, which are of course the best opinions of all. (Isn’t that why they’re called opinions rather than facts?) Then there are my neighbors, as opinionated a bunch as you’re likely to meet. One of them, a close friend, is always firing off letters to this paper, the Globe, and any other journal that has an email inbox and an outdated spam filter. Another neighbor, a distinguished jurist, lectured me on the Supreme Court, Homeland Security, and other matters, while I was stuck in the checkout line at Whole Foods. And on and on. The examples abound.

Still 02138 offers some stiff competition. It’s got Harvard University, for one thing, and the Kennedy School of Government, the op-ed capital of the western world. These people are paid to have opinions and they’re not shy about sharing them.

Curiously, I thought I was moving into 02138–moving up in the world, you might say–before purchasing my current home. All the documents provided by the previous homeowner used that prestigious zip code, and it was not until the the actual closing on the home sale that the documents said 02139, which is in fact the correct zip code. The old owner, it seems, was trying to pull a fast one, surmising (correctly in this case) that some chump would be willing to pay extra to live in America’s most opinionated zip code.

You can see how that strategy could have backfired. Who wants to move into a situation like that if it means people are going to be out on the streets, debating with each other at all hours? Still some folks will pay a premium to inhabit a superlative, even if it means living in “the most dangerous zip code in America.” That owner was banking on the fact that I was one of those shallow individuals. As a business man, he was suspect, but I’ll give him this: He knew how to read people.

He professed ignorance at the closing when the true facts emerged. Yet all the documents said 02139, in plain black and white, and it was hard talking one’s way out of that. But the sale went through, without a price adjustment, which is how I find myself residing in America’s second most opininated zip code. Or so I opine: They’ve got Harvard, but we’ve got MIT. They’ve got Alan Dershowitz, but we’ve got Noam Chomsky, who’s one of the great opinion-makers of all time. They’ve got Steven Pinker, but we had Steven Pinker and Pinker’s legacy of opinionatedness compiled during his MIT (02139) tenure stacks up well against his years at Harvard (02138).

I feel so strongly about this 02139 thing, I’m willing to back up that conviction with money, especially if someone is inclined to donate some. With sufficient funding, I’ll print out a new brand of T-shirts–”02139. The world’s second most opinionated zip code.” Everyone loves an underdog, and I’m confident these will soon outsell the already-passe 02138’s, especially after I get the MIT Coop on board. (Inter-Coop rivalries are always good for drumming up sales, aren’t they?) So look out Cambridge: 02139 is gonna’ make a run at number two, and we’re sure to ruffle some fathers along the way. “You can’t make eggs without cracking a few omelets,” as George Bush might say. “So are ya’ with me or agin’ me?