DOWN TO BASICS — by Steve Nadis
If you ask me (and even if you don’t), there’s something kind of funny about this new line of toilet paper, “Charmin Basic.” What strikes me as weird is that the name suggests you can try to do things on the cheap (with an economical wipe) or do it in style with the premium (ultrasoft, ultra thick, toilet-clogging) blend. The Basic product line, I suppose, will hold a certain appeal to the frugal-minded, a group that I, unfortunately, am forced to subscribe to. Others, more prosperous or more indulgent, will probably spare no expense when it comes to their precious rear ends. (Why accept second best? Why risk chafing? Why give your bottom any more abuse than it needs? These are the questions I’d probably ask myself were I to join the ruling class.)
Posted by
at
14:23:53
have noticed the same thing w/ consumer products across the board, Snar…(whoops!) Dude.
OIL filters now come in “stnd.”, Hi-mileage(?), Xtra-guard, Extra-life. Bulbs? Reg,’double-life’,Halogen, Ruff, Compact…
Milk is 2%, 1%, 0% or ‘regular’(4%). Crackers are low-sodium, or lo-fat or No-fat, or ‘classic’ (old style).
All this makes me thirsty. Let’s see… Spring, Sparkling, distilled, w/ lemon, 0 calorie lemon-flavored…
(Wha’ happened to “cheesburga, cheeps, Pepsi”?)
I think you’ve put your finger on something fundamental here, MP. Not only fundamental, it could be important…
Speaking as a woman, TP is an important item. The softer, the better. No matter how hard up financially I’ve been, I’ve always bought the softest I could find. My ass isn’t the only place, nor the most sensitive place that I use it. If you get my drift.
Loud & clear, OR. And I promise to never cut corners again.
Reading behind the lines of this new TP:
it’s Charmin’, but it’s Harmin’
Old Roses makes a very good point for all us girls.
I think you’ve really hit bottom with this post, Snake.
Also, I notice that you spend an inordinate amount of mental energy thinking about grocery items, stores, coupons, etc. This could be what they call a masturbatory habit. In other words, when you look at the amounts you’re saving and/or spending on these necessary items, they probably don’t come near the amount you’re spending on unnecessary items. So the mental energy you’re expending on these items has more to do with anxiety and control than practicality.
Perhaps you should consider checking into a rehab facility for celebrities with shopping issues?
Nicely turned, FW. As for your comment, Gatemouth, I now realize that I should try to avoid writing about subjects that in any way smack of scatology. The idea of rehab for celebrities with shopping issues intrigues me. It might be my one chance to meet Winona Ryder. But would they let the likes of me into such a program? In other words, am I worthy?
Addendum: If I had any integrity, Gatemouth, I would elevate your remarks to the status of a “Celebrity Guest Comment.” But I won’t, as they’re too unflattering to me. On the other hand, your repeated appearances as a Celebrity Guest commentator might earn you a ticket into that program with Winona.
Okay, since I have (or at least used to have) the total hots for Winona, I’m going to revise my comments, in hopes that I will get the aforementioned Celebrity Guest Comment and end up in the same room as Winona (where we can comfort each other and practice shoplifting our clothes). Here goes:
Some of your readers are getting in a pucker over this toilet-paper issue, Snake, but I, for one, applaud you for exposing the dirty nether-parts of this toilet paper scam and wiping the truth clean once and for all. The link between money and feces was established long ago by Freud himself, but for Charmin’ to exploit our neurotic instincts simply to make a buck, to force wipers into the “comfort versus savings” corner, is capitalism run amuck.
Of course, we should never lose sight of toilet’s ultimate purpose–to clean our butts–and, personally, I think using cheap toilet paper is like using Dick Cheney to wipe your ass: it rubs you the wrong way and, in the end, you’re dirtier than when you started.
Nevertheless, I bow to you, Snake, for looking into the bowl darkly and opening our eyes to the muddy nature of this issue. We must all speak truth to paper! (And be excellent to one another.)
Gatemouth, I’d like you to meet my friend Winona…
Once again, I thank God for the windfall. I would hate to worry over such matters.
I, too, am glad you have more important things to worry about than the price of tea in China and the price of toilet paper in the lower 48.