CALL ME SNAKE

I’d like to make you thing perfectly clear: This blog is not, nor never has been, for sale. And Celebrity Guest Comments are not for sale either. On the other hand, there’s nothing wrong with reprinting the comment of a reader who has some kind things to say about a particular blogger, even though it took some encouragement for him to say those kind things–especially after his initial words were less than flattering (with talk of “a new low for this blog” and other such remarks). With that preamble, I’d like to hand the mike over to today’s Celebrity Guest Comment written by none other than Gatemouth himself. I could try to explain his statement about Winona Ryder for those who did not see the original text, but I think that’s unnecessary since Gatemouth is more than capable of speaking for himself, especially when he speaks so favorably of your humble narrator. So Gatemouth, the balcony is now open. And the “conch” is now yours.

GATEMOUTH SPEAKS: Okay, since I have (or at least used to have) the total hots for Winona, I’m going to revise my comments, in hopes that I will get the aforementioned Celebrity Guest Comment and end up in the same room as Winona (where we can comfort each other and practice shoplifting our clothes). Here goes:

Some of your readers are getting in a pucker over this toilet-paper issue, Snake, but I, for one, applaud you for exposing the dirty nether-parts of this toilet paper scam and wiping the truth clean once and for all. The link between money and feces was established long ago by Freud himself, but for Charmin’ to exploit our neurotic instincts simply to make a buck, to force wipers into the “comfort versus savings” corner, is capitalism run amuck.

Of course, we should never lose sight of toilet’s ultimate purpose–to clean our butts–and, personally, I think using cheap toilet paper is like using Dick Cheney to wipe your ass: it rubs you the wrong way and, in the end, you’re dirtier than when you started.

Nevertheless, I bow to you, Snake, for looking into the bowl darkly and opening our eyes to the muddy nature of this issue. We must all speak the truth when it comes to paper! (EDITOR’S NOTE: I revised the last sentence, which is well within my rights as “the decider.”) And we should always strive to be excellent to one another. (EDITOR’S NOTE: This sentence, which was excellent to begin with, was made even better by some deft editing.)

CONCLUDING COMMENTARY BY THE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF, HISSELF: That last sentence is truly inspiring. In fact, if more people come to know what Gatemouth has said here–about us all being “excellent” to each other and all that–we may soon forget what Rodney King ever said. In fact, let me be the first: RODNEY WHO?