MEET YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD SPERM BANK ——— by Steve Nadis
The establishment is, in fact, called “California Cryobank,” with other branches in Palo Alto and Los Angeles. They are very selective in their donors. It’s even harder to get into than Harvard Law School, according to Harvard professor Michael Sandel. You need to be 5′9″ or taller, 19 to 38 years old, in good health, and attending an elite college or university or possessing an undergraduate or graduate degree from said institution. The ideal donor is six-feet tall, with brown eyes, blond hair, and dimples. Donors receive $75 a pop and up to $900 a month plus some perks like movie passes. Sandel, for one, is wary of operations like this which he says smacks of “eugenics because they make children the product of deliberate design.” I have some moral qualms about it myself but wouldn’t get through the doors in any case. I’m not sure my college would qualify as “elite.” I have no dimples. And the age limit would also pose a problem, despite the fact that I–like everybody else–look younger than my years. So no free movie passes for this guy.
Looking at it from a neighborhood perspective, we traded in a friendly neighborhood video store for a friendly neighborhood sperm bank. A sign of the times, perhaps. But I can’t see how we came out ahead on that deal.
I’m guessing the porn tapes are still there. Maybe you could rent those?
As for the bank itself, I’ve got a good mind to dye my hair, get cosmetic surgery, wear lifts, buy a fake ID, and Photoshop my college transcript. Won’t their clients be surprised when they all start having short, pudgy, red-haired kids with age-related chromosomal abnormalities and a complete inability to understand math?
You heard it here first, folks: Sperm-hacking–the spurt heard ’round the world!
Nicely turned, Gatemouth. You just might have spurted yourself clear into another Celebrity Guess Comment spot. But the more I think about it, the more I think I’d better turn the blog over to you and perhaps you’ll see fit to let me comment from time to time. Assuming, of course, my comments are 5′9″ and over and have dimples.
donators galore
In two words, you’ve pretty much said it all Z…
I don’t understand why you are so happy. You’ve traded what sounds like a friendly neighborhood EGALITARIAN movie store for an ELITIST sperm donor eugenics (I’m running out of perjorative terms) storefront. You should picketing them, not complimenting them. I think this calls for another contest. “Picket signs against elitist sperm bank”.
Little People Unite!
Proud Parent of a Short Person
Send Your Sons to a State School Not a Sperm Bank
You’re right, OR, I’m not happy about this at all. If I was happy about this before, then I was badly mistaken and promise to be unhappy henceforth.
I don’t have any witty remarks to share, but I just have to say that this whole exchange is by far the greatest I’ve read anywhere in a while! And for the record, let it be said that not all women want their men to look like Ken dolls…
Thanks Daphne! Your comment just might be “the greatest I’ve read anywhere in awhile!” And, for the record, I don’t look like Ken, which is a relief for everybody, especially for Ken.
I’m going to go out on a limb (or something else of phallic nature) and guess that MOST heterosexual women don’t want their men to look like Ken dolls. Because, if I recall correctly, Ken was missing some very important equipment. (Important in the sense of an organ most of us would rather not lose.)
But if making Ken Dolls is what this sperm bank is all about, I am definitely staying away from it.
The Cryobank has been in its location for more than 10 years and have been good neighbors. They clearly could afford the rent in Cambridge and Videosmith (seems to have gone completely out of business at least in the Boston area-the Brookline location closed down a few years ago) would not.
Sperm banks in general are selective about their donors more due to the demands of the people who recieve the donations than anything else. Much like many people who adopt want babies or small children with no birth defects, many of the recipients want what they perceive as the ‘best genetic material’ and attendence at an elite school of higher education seems to signify that.
Nice to know the Cryobank PR people are tracking the blogs.
As for the selectiveness being driven by clients’ demands, I happen to know (don’t ask me how) that many sperm banks SEEK genetic diversity (for a variety of reasons). So what Alaiyo really means is that Cryobank decided to stock “elite” sperm because it was the best way of attracting “elite” clients, who–surprise, surprise–have a ton o’ money.
Alaiyo is definitely wrong on one point: California Cryobank has not been in Cambridge for more than 10 years. I remember going to Videosmith with my daughter on many occasions and she’s only 7. As for the veracity of the rest of that statement, I’d rather not say. But I’m glad to hear the bank is meeting its rental obligations.
gatemouth, I think this sperm-hacking is a great idea! (not to mention it had be laughing aloud).
Your comments on this post alone are worth two-three celebrity comments (a regular new feature here at Call Me Snake, right Snake?).
not to mention it had be laughing aloud
OOPS!
>>
not to mention it had ME laughing aloud
(maybe Snake could add an online spelling checker for our somments as a new feature)
I did it again.
comments, NOT somments
I would think that a far better buisness that would no doubt be able to afford to be in Cambridge, Alaiyo, would be a cutting edge bio-technology firm that would be able to selectively seperate the sperm from a husband & prospective father, so as to avoid, say, certain diseases that may be in the family, to “select” the “tallest” or “taller”-coded sperm cells; in general, toconcentrate sperm with the best genetics of the real Dad…& give the couple the highest chance of a healthy baby- & indeed a healthy adult, who might then pass on said genes to the next generation.
Eugenics? Quite so. I personally feel we need to do whatever we CAN to balance out the “weakening” of our general population to disease & ‘environmental stress’ that has been going on since the advent of life-saving antibiotics & “operations” that began roughly 1/2 way thru the last century. There’s many papers testifying to this phenomena. I know I’m going to take a lot of flack from some, but it would help towards a society not as likely to be overstressed & debilitated by the next ‘plague’, which WILL come at some point, like it has already in some countries in Africa which have been decimated by the AIDS epidemic.
It would be perfectly positioned, next to some of the leading Int’l medical schools known worldwide & could draw upon talent in the fertility field that is found hardly anywhere else. The expansion or growth factor (no pun intended) would be staggering!
What to call it? How ’bout “Bay State A-Babies.”
{Stop laughing. This is serous shi__.} I’D invest!
And it’s not just fiction. Already exists for sex selection down in VA. (click my URL link)
Just my nocturnal emmission. Had to get SOMEthing into this one… ;)~
Thanks MP for giving us a lot to think about. And I agree with you FW, Gatemouth is a riot. Sometimes I worry though that he might be too funny–that people only come to this site for the comments. But what the heck. I prefer the comments too.