CALL ME SNAKE

(Editor's note: I'd like to apologize, in advance, to Kucinich partisans, as I have nothing against the man who is one of the most progressive candidates out there and who, admirably, had been a staunch and consistent critic of the Iraq war. That said, please allow me to proceed with my own special brand of attack journalism...) In what may be a desperate ploy to boost his standings in the presidential race, Dennis Kucinich is now claiming that he's seen a UFO. Not only that he saw a UFO but that he saw one in the presence of Shirley Maclaine. In this way, he's courting not only the UFO vote but the Hollywood nutjob vote as well.

Had I not been watching the World Series last night, I still would have known the Red Sox won. For a few minutes after midnight, when Papelbon struck out the final batter, I heard the sounds of helicopters circling overhead. As in 2004, the Red Sox had dramatic comebacks in the ALCS only to roll through the World Series with little resistance. It was a great team effort--everyone did so well, in fact, that it was hard to pick a World Series MVP. I don't want to take anything away from Mike Lowell's effort, which was outstanding throughout the regular season & throughout the Series as well. But if I were to single out one player in the World Series, that would be Jon Papelbon, who had three saves and did not give up a run. I don't think another closer ever had a Series like he had, nor a year like he had. This I believe, while celebrating here in Red Sox Nation.

I don't often send emails to people in Minneapolis. In fact, I can't think of another time I did so except for last Friday when I sent an email to a University of Minnesota astronomer. As I was hitting the send button, NPR began airing a story about bridge repair in Minneapolis. Hence the title, "Freaky Friday."

Bicycling home from my daughter's school yesterday morning, I heard from a passing motorist who felt my road etiquette left something to be desired. He wasn't shy about sharing his feelings and did so in no uncertain terms. Here's what he said: "You're a f_ _ _ _ in' asshole on that f_ _ _ _ in' bike!"

The first World Series game will begin in less than five hours, assuming the weather holds. When the Red Sox were down 3-1 against Cleveland, I always felt confident that they would come back. Josh Beckett was pitching the next game, which seemed like a guaranteed win, plus it seemed like Schilling was due to come up big the second time around. Which left game 7 at Fenway with momentum and the home crowd all favoring the Sox. It turns out, I was right. So I'm gonna' say, "told you so." Of course, it would have been better to have said all this a week ago, when the Sox were down 3-1. But the fact that I'm a week late doesn't take anything away from what I'm writing here. I knew it then, deep in my bones. I just didn't have time to get it in print. So I'm gonna say it again, one more time, in case you didn't hear: Told you so.

Yesterday I was walking in Central Square when a panhandler asked me: "Spare a dollar, old-timer?" The fact that he called me "old-timer" really bugged me, as this guy looked like he had quite a few years on me. It also made me nostalgic for the good old days when people used to say: "Brother, can you spare a dime?"

Today we're introducing a new feature here at CALL ME SNAKE called FREAKY FRIDAY which I have no doubt will prove to be an instant classic. And without further ado, here's the first installment of FREAKY FRIDAY. (The fact that the events I describe here transpired on a Saturday take nothing away from the appropriateness of their appearing in a feature called FREAKY FRIDAY, as you shall soon see.)

I was headed to the park with my daughter and her two friends when I got a call from the local Mayor's reelection campaign seeking my support. I let them know I would not be supporting the Mayor (note: his alleged three-martini-lunch habit has nothing to do with my stance), and there was nothing they could say that would change my mind. Literally one minute later, as I walked around the corner with the girls, I saw the Mayor walking on the sidewalk. THAT WAS QUICK! "All right," I said. "I'll vote for you so long as you promise to quit stalking me."

That brings us to the end of the first installment of FREAKY FRIDAY. We hope you had as much fun reading it as we had writing it. And we'll be sure to see you here next Friday. Or Saturday.

CALL ME SNAKE is introducing a new feature today called "OUR TOWN," because introducing new features is one of the things that CALL ME SNAKE does best. Here's our first installment of OUR TOWN, which already bears the look of a classic: In our legal justice system, you are innocent until proven guilty. And when you're found innocent you're still innocent. Yet in our town a new candidate for City Council was just found innocent of beating his wife with an umbrella in a case dubbed "umbrella-gate" by the local paper. While I like to keep an open mind, I'd have to say that, innocent or not, this does not seem like an auspicious start to a political career.

I've never watched "Dancing with the Stars," which does not sound like my cup of tea. (Not that tea is my cup of tea either, as I don't drink it.) But I have seen the last minute of the show on several occasions, and I've never seen more hugging--not even at a wedding or a bar mitzvah. Which is why I suggest a new name for the program: "Hugging with the Stars."

I've never watched "Dancing with the Stars," which does not sound like my cup of tea. (Not that tea is my cup of tea either, as I don't drink it.) But I have seen the last minute of the show on several occasions, and I've never seen more hugging--not even at a wedding or a bar mitzvah. Which is why I suggest a new name for the program: "Hugging with the Stars."