CALL ME SNAKE

Today we're introducing a new feature here at Call Me Snake--Headline News (based on stories taken from the front page of the newspaper of record, the Boston Globe). The idea behind "Headline News" is self-explanatory. So without further ado, here is "Headline News," which is certain to become one of the most (if not THE most) popular features here at Call Me Snake.

1. The U.S. has spent $4 billion on its war on drugs in Colombia. As a result of that multibillion-dolar campaign--the nation's largest foreign aid program outside our current war zones--Colombia is now producing more cocaine than when the effort began. You have to consider that an excellent return on investment.

• Here in Massachusetts (we're always ahead of the curve!) 2d graders are now preparing PowerPoint presentations for their classroom projects. Civilization, as a result, has taken a huge leap forward.

3. Cardinal Sean O'Malley has taken a hard line on Dr. Robert Haddad, president of the company that runs Boston's St. Elizabeth's Hospital (St. Elsewhere?). Haddad's transgressions? Sexual harrassment (hugging, kissing, late-night phone calls) of the hospital's female employees. I applaud O'Malley for taking this behavior seriously. Good job--you're a real advocate for the oppressed. Too bad the Catholic Church turns a blind eye on the thousands of children, in our town alone, molested (and messed up for life) by their perverted priests.