CALL ME SNAKE

Today we're introducing a new feature here at Call Me Snake called "Website of the Day." In this feature, which promises to be one of the most popular features we've ever introduced here at Call Me Snake, we will discuss a different website every day of the week (except on my beach volleyball days or handball days). I caught wind of the following site from a friend in Africa who sent me this cryptic note, along with a link (http://www.healer-cz.com/): "Now you can heal your friends without their permission." The site, operated by "natural healer" Ivan Gellner, describes Gellner's gift for "distance or extrasensory healing. The healing is done without the patient's cooperation and if needed even without the patient's knowledge." The good news is that you might be healed right now, as we speak, without even knowing it. So there's a comforting thought in the otherwise harsh, canine-ingest-canine world we call home.

For the better part of a year, I've tried as part of my mental calisthenics to complete two sudoku puzzles a day--one from the Boston Globe and another (generally easier) from the Metro. But in recent weeks, I've fallen hopelessly behind, with the stack of clipped puzzles steadily growing. For the last few days, the nephew of a friend of mine is staying with us from Denmark. As part of the deal we struck, he gets free room and board. In return, he has to do several sudoku puzzles a day to help with the backlog situation. So far the arrangement has worked out splendidly. We sit side-by-side at the dining room table, each taking on a separate puzzle. The atmosphere is charged; there's real synergy going on. And, as a result, our progress has been tremendous.

If you too are suffering from a sudoku deficit, a foreign aid worker may be the answer to your dreams. It certainly has paid dividends in my case. In fact, it's hard to imagine going back to my old life of toiling on sudoku alone and never keeping up.

The abuse of drugs like cocaine, oxycontin, steroids, and ecstasy is a scourge on society. I'm not the first to have said that, and sadly I won't be the last. But in Boston, at least, a few civic-minded policemen have finally found the way to make life miserable for drug dealers, who seem to have operated with impunity for years on end. Instead of going after the dealers directly, a tactic shown to be ineffectual over the decades, these enterprising law enforcement agents are buying and selling the drugs themselves. One cop, who goes by the nickname "Kiko," stands out in this regard, and his antics make the Denzel Washington character in "Training Day" look like a choirboy. If more police officers would step up to the plate and help wrest the drug trade from the "forces of evil," we could put those nasty drug dealers out of business, once and for all.

China, as everyone knows, is the world's largest country in terms of population, and we should therefore pay attention to China, if for that reason alone. But China, it seems, is paying attention to Call Me Snake too. In my inbox yesterday, I received a cool dozen comments to this blog, about 10 of which hailed from "antique furniture chinese" -- an exporter, retailer, and wholesaler of Chinese and Tibetan furniture and antiques. This company, a powerhouse in the area of MingQing style furniture, wisely concluded that the best way to reach a lot of people fast was to post multiple comments on Call Me Snake. With a shrewd business plan like that, how can this outfit go wrong?

It's the middle of summer, with the All-Star Game fast upon us, so thoughts naturally turn to basketball. In extolling the virtues of a player, pundits often talk about his (or her) ability to "move without the ball." That's something I never understood. Or maybe I understand it all too well. I never had much of a basketball career, but when I did play (back in junior high school), the thing I did best was move without the ball. In fact, I can't remember ever touching the ball in a game situation. Maybe my teammates didn't trust me (what we now call a "trust issue"), thinking perhaps that I'd grab the ball, run out of the gym, and never look back. For whatever reason, I became pretty accomplished at moving without the ball.

I'm confident, moreover, that if I ever made it to the NBA, I could make a name for myself with that same skill. You can be sure that Dwyane Wade and Shaq would never pass the ball to me. With some practice, I'm sure I could be the best there ever was at moving without the ball, possibly earning a Hall of Fame berth. I realize the NBA draft is over, and my number has not been called, but Danny Ainge and other league executives ought to know there's another player ought there dying to break into the bigs, and unlike other show-offs lusting for their big shot, this guy promises not to hog the ball. In fact, if it comes toward me, I'll run.

After controversy embroiled the last bumper sticker competition, I thought we were going to take a long break. But Gatemouth, a gifted bumper sticker writer, stepped up big with the following comment which forced my hand. With such a promising start, I had no choice but to go forward with the new competition. So here, without further ado, is Gatemouth and his celebrated "Celebrity Guest Comment." (Somebody hire this guy quick or I’m going to nab him as my “creative director.”)

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GATEMOUTH SPEAKS: How about a contest for bumper stickers about whining? I'll start:

1) Bush: "No 1st Amendment, no whiners, no problem!"
2) If a liberal whines in the forest, does Dick Cheney shoot him?
3) If whining could save the world, you'd be the Messiah.
4) Global warming - it's not just for whiners anymore.
5) The kids in my other car whine, too.
6) A whine a day keeps pretty much everyone away.
7) First thing we do, let's shoot all the whiners.
8) Give peace a chance: Shoot a whiner.
9) If you can hear me whine, you're driving too close.
10) This is the way the world ends: not with a bang but with a lot of whining.

And please, can we all agree to skip the obvious "Whiner on board!" and "I whine, therefore I am"?

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EDITOR'S NOTE: I can't promise not to use those, particularly "Whiner on board," which has a nice ring. All I have for now is:
Stop me before I whine again.
Eating out, for us, means whine and dine. And then more whine.

 

 

One month later, we finally have a winner to the Great April Fool's Day Bumper Sticker Sweepstakes. I had been waiting for Gatemouth to send in the winning entry but have been unable to reach him. (Unlisted phone number.) I was uncertain as to the winner when I realized I'd been staring at it all along; it was in fact the punchline of a recent post ("Letter to the New Yorker..."). And the winner is ... ME!!! No, actually, this time the winner is not me. The winner is S. for his entry, which he did not, in fact, submit but is, nevertheless, an actual bumper sticker:

"Jesus to Bush: Stop using me as a reference!"

And the runner up is: Everyone who sent in an entry, thought of sending in an entry, or thought of sending in an entry and wisely decided not to.

Save your ideas. Another contest will be announced soon!

Sharpen your pencils! Get your erasers into the ready position. It's that time of year again. Yep, time for the First Annual April Fool's Day Bumper Sticker Sweepstakes. The field will be crowded this time, no doubt, and the competition fierce. (Sweepstakes Rules: Entries do not have to relate to April Fool's Day in any way, shape, or form. All employees of Call Me Snake and its subsidiaries will be barred from the competition. No profanity please. Let's keep it clean. Speaking of which, performance-enhancing drugs are strictly allowed.)

OK, let's dispense with the preliminaries and get the ball rolling. Here are the first few entries submitted by a person very near and dear to my heart. That's right, ME. Well here they are:

THE BUSH PRESIDENCY--WHERE EVERY DAY IS APRIL FOOL'S DAY AND NOBODY IS LAUGHING.

The next entries are part of my bestselling, "A Black Hole Ate My ____" series:

A BLACK HOLE ATE MY HOMEWORK.

A BLACK HOLE ATE MY TAX RETURN.

A BLACK HOLE ATE MY TAX SHELTER.

A BLACK HOLE ATE MY BRIBE MONEY.

A BLACK HOLE ATE MY QUICHE. And liked it.

A BLACK HOLE ATE MY (well, you get the idea...)

Don't delay. Send in your entries today. Who knows, you might fool everyone and come up a winner!

Hi everyone: I just want to let you know that the monthly bumper sticker contest will be coming up soon--just as soon as I come up with the winning entry. Stay tuned.

P.S. I now realize some previous posts had been "tagged" with the word, "entreprenurial," which might seem like a misspelling to some. I prefer to call it an entreprenurial spelling.