CALL ME SNAKE

I saw I AM LEGEND a couple of weeks ago with a friend, which led to speculation in these pages regarding the speed of zombies in the 21st century. Last night I saw SALEM'S LOT (the 1979 Tobe Hooper version, of course) with the same friend, and feel that for the sake of fairness I should grant equal time to vampires. I enjoyed the movie, save for a surprisingly week ending, but it left a few loose ends. My friend put this question to me which I cannot fully answer: "If vampire's live forever and are constantly feeding on other people, who then become vampires as well, what has kept vampires from taking over the world?" In other words, are there some kind of natural, ecological checks on the vampire population to keep that from happening? It makes sense because vampires seem to like fresh blood and if they turn the entire population into vampires, where they gonna go for sustenance? (Whole Foods?) So it seems to be in their interests not to turn everyone into vampires, yet exactly how their expanionist tendences are kept in check is not clear. At least to this observer. At the present time.

It's great to be published again and the two sentences below just came out in my college alumni magazine. I will reprint my entry in its entirety so that you can see it in its full splendor:  "I’ve given up all hope of leading a productive life and have become a blogger instead. I’m adjusting well to the lowered expectations that come with my new profession and have enjoyed chronicling my steady slide into irrelevance."

There's always something that stands between me and a good night's sleep. Lately it's been the woodpecker (we call him Woody) who's taken up residence in our gigantic maple tree. Woody got an early start this morning. I heard him from 5 a.m. on, pecking away at a branch not too far from my bedroom window. I'm a big supporter of nature and all that, but can't it adhere to some standards of civility?

Anyone who watched last nights Celtics-Lakers game might have wondered what the heck happened in the fourth quarter. The Celtics were up by 24 points, with only about 7 minutes left (if I remember correctly), and the Lakers managed to cut the lead to two. How did that happen? I'm pretty sure it was my fault. I was watching the game with a friend and fellow blogger, and we were laughing it up when the Celts pushed the lead to 24. Then I said: "Is it too early to bring out the brooms?" As soon as those words came out of my mouth, the Celtics' fortunes began to change. I learned my lesson and will not mention the word "sweep" until the Celtics go up 4-0 in the series.

SHAUN OF THE DEAD was the exception. Zombies in the 21st century ARE getting faster, especially compared to the labored movements of the NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD era. After seeing the two 28 movies, 28 DAYS LATER and 28 WEEKS LATER, which are exceedingly well-made but also incredibly intense, I decided to swear off zombie movies. But that didn't last long as I just saw I AM LEGEND earlier tonight. And, as I expected, the zombies were fleet of foot, if not fleet of mind. They moved as fast as the 28 zombies but they seemed to hesitate which the 28 zombies never did; they were nothing if not relentless. I had resolved to swear off zombie movies because, deep down, they give me the creeps, yet I watched I AM LEGEND for the sake of science and my longstanding studies in ZOMBIE VELOCITY. The movie is pretty good and much less intense than the 28 series. By comparison, it actually seemed relaxing. These zombies, by the way, were extremely light sensitive and might be stopped, or at least temporarily stunned, by a decent flashlight, though you'll probably need something more luminous than you can purchase at your average CVS. (Word from the wise: Spend the money on a high-lumens model. If LEGEND is to be trusted, it will be well worth the investment.)

I can't figure out what's wrong with my daughter's soccer team which I had coached to a perfect (undefeated) record in the fall; now we seem to be distinctly mediocre. Not only that, the girls seem uninspired and listless. And they don't seem to be getting any better. I'm inclined to blame them but my daughter is pointing the blame at the coach, hisself. Referring to our weekly practice sessions, she said, "No offense dad but when you do the same thing every week it gets kind of boring..."

A friend forwarded a note to me from a woman who'd been our housemate in 1981. Though I always thought she was nice, I didn't know her very well at the time and was pleased and surprised to hear she'd gone on to live a life of travel and adventure, even chronicling her experiences in a recently-published book. If I were to have guessed 27 years ago, I would have assumed that I'd have been the one to have traveled more. But I would have guessed wrong as she's definitely seen more of the world than I have. And she's now the wiser for it.

On the other hand, I have legitimate reasons for my sedentary lifestyle. After all, somebody's got to sit here and type idle thoughts into my computer. For if I don't do it, who will?

I never figured that Call Me Snake would morph from a volleyball blog into the fashion/glamor game, but life is funny that way; you never know what it's going to dish out. Last night I caught part of an ad as I was turning off the TV and could not believe what I was hearing was true. Later I checked it out on the web and found out that my ears had not lied. Here are quotes taken almost verbatim (with some minor embellishments, distortions, and alterations thrown in for good measure):

Introducing new Touch Of Gray™, the first and only men's hair treatment that lets you keep some gray. Works gradually. And it's easy. No mix, no mess: just comb in and rinse. It's for the generation that swore it would never get old. And didn't...
     A little gray to show your experience, but not so much that it hides your vitality. Touch Of Gray™ comes in five natural looking shades...
     It not only lets you keep some gray, it lets you decide how much gray to keep. And it works gradually...

EDITOR'S NOTE: This product, as you can imagine, has thrown me into a tizzy. Do I hide the gray? Leave it alone? Or show some of it selectively? There are choices to be made (not only in Pennsylvania)--choices about which I had been blissfully ignorant less than 12 hours ago.

I find CAR TALK entertaining and am friendly (in a very casual way) with one of the brothers (Click, I think, or maybe it's Clack). And although I haven't learned much about taking care of my car from the show, I do occasionally get pearls of wisdom regarding relationships. A few weeks ago, Tom cited a recent study that showed that "active listening" does absolutely nothing to enhance marital bliss. Instead the only things that works is if the wife requests something and the husband does it. The moral of the story, I guess, is that "active doing" beats "active listening" every time. As for my own relationship, at least I'm getting half of it right as I don't engage in active listening.

Every year, PARADE comes out with its mostly depressing list of what people earn. Like the hedge fund manager in New York City ($3.5 billion) who earned more than 100,000 times as much the hospital clown in New York City. Which one do you think brings more joy into the world? Then there was one guy who did not make the list: Keith van Horn who received $4.3 million in a trade two months ago and has not played a game since. I'm not a great basketball player but I am good enough to do that. As the saying goes: Why don't I get jobs like that?