CALL ME SNAKE

“Mystic Pizza” was an important moment in film history, as it really launched the career of Julia Roberts. (The careers of Lili Taylor and Vincent D’Onofrio also got big boosts.) And now I'm an important part of that important moment in film history because on Wednesday I ate dinner at Mystic Pizza in Mystic, Connecticut. Julia Roberts evidently did well enough with that role that she’s no longer dishing out pizza there. The pizza itself was decent, and certainly cheesy enough, though nothing to write a cheesy screenplay about. I was also dismayed to learn that the movie was not shot at Mystic Pizza in Mystic at all but rather at a pizzeria in nearby Stonington, Connecticut. I couldn't help wondering about that locations choice. What was the problem? Couldn't they find anything in Toronto?

Maybe I should just come out and say my life is pathetic, but I'm still riding high from last Sunday's early-morning coup when my newspaper arrived with not one but two copies of my all-time favorite magazine, PARADE. (As I often say: "I like it 'cause it's real.") Last Sunday's version--or I should say versions--had a picture of Beyonce' on the cover, next to the caption: "Beautiful Beyonce' worries: Does he love me for me?" I must confess that I haven't gotten beyond the cover yet, but if I were forced to answer the question today, right now, based on what I know, I'd be inclined to say "no." On the other hand, if I don't love her for her, who do I love her for? Certainly not for my wife. Or kids. So, I guess I'd have to say "yes" after all. I don't know anything about this gal's singing--evidently she's quite a talent--but I can say she is persuasive. Though not persuasive enough to make me want to see "Dream Girls."

Many people missed it--well-meaning people who, unlike me, do not read between the lines. But there has been a major policy shift in Iraq. We are no longer "staying the course." Which is not to say we're going to "cut and run." Forget it. That ain't gonna' happen. Let me repeat: We're not gonna' cut and run. But we're not gonna' stay the course either. Instead, says Bush, we're gonna' be "flexible." Although this shift was introduced with little fanfare, it ought to be regarded as a major development in the history of humankind, especially for people who favor policies lacking in excessive rigidity.

On another note, Bush promised that we'll stay in Iraq as long as "they" want us there. I forgot to ask, who among the Iraqis really want us there? Reading between the lines, once again, I'm forced to conclude that what he meant to say was that we'll stay in Iraq for as long as the puppet government we installed there wants us to stay. Which begs another question: Who's pulling the strings, the puppet or the puppeteer?

We thought, according to the familiar adage, that there was no depth below which the American public will not stoop. But, to my surprise, we seem to have established a lower limit after all. And that lower limit, apparently, has a name: O. J. Simpson.

Denny Hastert has laid down the law: Any members of his staff who knew about Mark Foley's questionable email habits and covered it up would lose their jobs. That’s simple enough, though it does raise just one question: Technically speaking, is Denny Hastert a member of Denny Hastert's staff?

After being away for several days, following another week AWOL, Old Roses admonished me for missing the Brangelina breakup story. (Is it true? I realize I should be telling you that, as your #1 source of news, but even snakes have to rest sometime--even when their movie happens to be the #1 movie in America today.) To make amends, I want to report on this report tonight, broadcast on my local evening news at 11, which I caught shortly after returning from my latest junket.

As Channel 4 news reported, JonBenet Ramsey's father found the latest round of coverage concerning the arrest of John Mark Karr so "sickening" that he was considering leaving the country. Without pause, the reporter continued: "For 24-hour coverage of the latest developments in the JonBenet Ramsey murder case, tune in to wbz.com." (Is it just me or could it be that newsman kind of missed the point?)

Ever since calling attention to an anomalously high number of "pageviews" on this blog almost two weeks ago ("Something About Tuesday"), pageviews plummeted to anomalously low levels. Today, however, which is still rather young, blog.com claims there have already been more than 200 pageviews on Call Me Snake. Could that be possible? Do I know enough people in the world (six degrees of separation notwithstanding) and, more importantly, do enough people in the world know me or this blog? Or did all those proverbial "monkeys" somehow, accidentally, magically, type in my URL: cambridgeguy.blog.com? It's one of those great mysteries in the world and, short of consulting tech support, one that will likely forever remain unexplained.

We're only a week or so into 2006, and I'm already hopelessly behind. First I came back from Mexico to a pile of newspapers and magazines which meant an immediate backlog of 7 sudoku puzzles, not to mention all the papers and magazines I still have to plow through. Then there were all the bills I was supposed to pay before the trip but still haven't gotten around to. And then there are all the movies I'm supposed to see but haven't found time for yet. And all the TV shows I didn't watch now that I officially "watch" TV, even though I rarely have time to do so.

It's all very disquieting for a person like me who used to stay on top of things. But that proud tradition--staying on top of things--is now a thing of the past, it seems. So I'd better get used to the future which, so far as I can tell, will consist of catching up on all the things from the past that were never attended to in the present.

If that makes sense to you, please explain it to me one day when I have a moment to listen. But I'm afraid now isn't the best time.

Earlier this year, I spent a lot of ink--way too much according to some readers (right Gatemouth?)-- questioning the merits of the trade that brought Antoine to the Celtics. Now that the Celtics have sent Walker to the Heat in exchange for a whole lot of nothing--a bunch of players nobody's ever heard of, plus a couple of 2d-round draft picks--it looks like my first take on the subject was on the mark. SO MAYBE I WAS RIGHT AFTER ALL...

AND MAYBE HE'S RIGHT TOO, he being Rafael Palmeiro, of course, when he said he did not "intentionally or knowingly" take steroids--a refinement of his earlier, more categorical denial under oath. I, for one, am inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe Palmeiro actually believed Jose Canseco when Canseco said he was injecting him with "Kool-Aid." Ballplayers, as we know, will do anything to get an edge, even if it means eating chicken every day (as recent Hall of Fame inductee Wade Boggs did) or even mainlining a popular summertime refreshment.

Maybe I was wrong in my previous blog about Antoine Walker. Why not give the guy a chance? Unlike some people, I'm man enough to admit it when I make a mistake. The leader of the free world, apparently, has a problem doing that, but I wasn't talking about him. So if your mind was wandering in that direction, that's you; it's got nothing to do with me. As for me, I can admit a mistake when I make one. Although in this case, I did not make one. In point of fact, I never said it was wrong to have brought Walker back to the Celtics. I just gave voice to some questions that had been circulating. Based on his performance in his first game as a Celtic--a game in which the Celtics beat the Jazz on the road, 109-102--Walker got off to a fine start, contributing 24 points and 10 rebounds, as well as some key defensive plays in the game's final moments. "A masterful performance," said FSN TV announcer Tommy Heinsohn. And if no less an authority than Heinsohn said that--a man who is not given to hyperbole or partisanship--who am I to question it? To play it safe, I'd like to retract everything that's been said before. Let's just pretend it never happened, shall we?