CALL ME SNAKE

File this under "Much Ado About Nothing": There are a lot of reckless rumors circulating about Boston Celtics star Paul Pierce and his alleged use of "gang signs" to express his displeasure to a member of the Atlanta Hawks. I personally don't see what all the fuss is about. For starters they were not "gang signs," which is often said by people (usually white) who don't know the first thing about such matters. In point of fact, they were merely hand signals for "I'm going to kill you."

On a separate note, I'd like to apologize for yesterday's entry, "Freaky Friday," which was an otherwise excellent entry except for the fact that it was Thursday. But I was thinking that it was Friday, and maybe that was wishful thinking given that Friday is my handball day. To make a long story short, now it is Friday so why don't we just file that one under the heading "One Day Early"?

We all know that China is a rising power that may soon dominate the world's economy. But most people don't know why.  I have an idea about that which came to me as a result of hearing a friend/colleague last night speaking to someone over the phone in Cantonese.  He spoke incredibly fast--far faster than I've ever heard anyone speak in English. In fact, I don't think it's possible to speak that fast in English. My friend acknowledged that "Cantonese is a very fast language." And that's why I believe we are going to have a hard time competing with China: They can talk faster than us. By the time we've finished our sentences, they've already sealed the deal.

My youngest daughter was recently invited to a Purim party hosted by an Israeli family at her school. Here's how the mother who threw the party explained Jewish holidays to the gentiles in the crowd. They're all kind of similar, she noted. "Wicked people tried to kill all the Jews. But somehow, miraculously, the Jews managed to survive. Now let’s eat!”

I don't know what to do with myself. I used to enjoy criticizing Mitt Romney but the fact that's he's dropped out of the race has taken some of the fun out of that pasttime. So I don't have any new complaints on that score, other than to say that Romney went out of the race the way he went in: With lies. If you took his words at face value, the fact that he was getting his ass kicked by McCain and even Huckabee had nothing to do with his decision to "suspend" his campaign.

On another note, Barack Obama seems to be on quite a roll. Not only did he win a number of primaries and caucuses over the weekend, he also won a GRAMMY. That's got to be a first for a presidential candidate. On the other hand, I recently heard an editorial in which the Grammy's were described as a joke because they give them out so freely--so many awards in so many categeries--it almost takes an act of divine intervention to avoid winning one.

Not to boast but... (How many times have I started with those words?) Yes, I've been published again--this time in an extremely exclusive venue, my college's alumni newsletter notes section. And I was writing, ironically, about being published elsewhere, so we're dealing with many levels of publishing here, especially if you consider online publishing to be publishing. Anyways, this is what I wrote in the newsletter and I'm repeating it here for no good reason other than I'm feeling kind of tired:

Inspired by the letter-writing success and prowess of fellow alumn ____ ____ , I managed to get a letter printed in the Cambridge Chronicle on the burning issue of Cambridge’s dearth of handball players. There are only five handball players left at the Cambridge YMCA, and I’m one of them--the youngest, in fact, which gives you an idea of the future prospects for this sport. (For awhile it looked like there were going to be six until the new guy, Daniel, ripped his Achilles, which put us back to five again.) My letter attracted a lot of attention locally, though no book or movie deals yet. Nevertheless, I have since become a columnist for the paper--perhaps on the strength of my handball manifesto. The Chronicle, by the way, is pretty much where my freelance writing career began and now, it appears, pretty much where it will end.

Last night I saw "28 Weeks Later" with the same friend I saw "28 Days Later" with a couple of years ago. While it is a solid entry to the horror genre, it also has the most stomach-rending makeout scene every put on film. That gave me pause. And when I look back over my life, I'm forced to conclude that I've seen an awful lot of zombie movies, starting with "Night of the Living Dead" 40 years back and including Dawn of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, Trouble Every Day (an obscure French one), the 28 Days/Weeks series, and several others I'm sure I'm forgetting right now. Although some of these movies hold a bit of fascination for me--Shaun of the Dead was hilarious, and the "28" pictures are extremely well made--I really don't like zombie movies. There's something about zombies; they kind of give me the creeps, especially the fast-moving ones of the 28 Days/Weeks saga, which are very nerve-racking. I prefer my zombies slow and lumbering, the kind you can easily outrun, although they do tend to be persistent. I'm thinking of doing something drastic here and swearing off zombie movies altogether. It's probably time for me to move on to something new, even if that just means a new kind of monster. And I think I will stick with that resolution, at least until "28 Years Later" comes out...

We're introducing a new feature here at Call Me Snake called "Finish This Sentence," which no doubt will prove to be one of the most popular new features ever introduced here at Call Me Snake. I was walking home from the YMCA on Sunday morning and passed the entrance to a nearby church where some church functionary, holding some literature, said to another man: "which sounded like a hardship but..."

That's when the inspiration for "Finish This Sentence" seized me. Here's how I would finish it: "was really a challenge." If you have any ideas, please let us know. The winning entries will be posted at a later date. Be patient if you have trouble getting through. We may well experience "bandwidth problems" in view of all the anticipated traffic.

An article in today's Boston Globe asks the question: "Is plastic making us fat?" The premise of the article is that plastics in the environment can make people predisposed to obesity and could be a factor in the general weight gain in our population. But I'd like to suggest another hypothesis, namely that laziness is making us fatter. People spend too much time sitting in front of a computer (mea culpa) and in front of the TV set and, to make things worse, they drive everywhere or--in the case of children--are driven everywhere. At my gym, where people go to work out, they even take an elevator up one or two flights rather than walk. So while some scientists might blame it on plastics, I'm going to go with laziness for now.

Writing about Mitt Romney, Boston Globe columnist and Democratic consultant had this to say: "Is it just me or has Romney passed the president as the most detestasble Republican around? The other GOP campaigns can't stand him either." Payne goes on to say: "Romney's is a candidacy of contrivance, consultants, cash, and cynicism." Well put, Dan. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Speaking of great lines, there was one in a haunting movie I saw last night called "The Dead Girl." After having sex during a roadside tryst with a weird guy on a first date, the Toni Collette character asks him: "Can we please stop talking about serial killers for awhile?" Nice line, Toni. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Here’s an idea for a movie: Someone calls out the name of a chipmunk, let’s say “Alvin.” After no response, he calls a little louder. Still no response. So this time the man really shouts it out: “A-L-V-I-N-N-N!!!” And there’s your movie. What do you think?

A friend of mine took his kids to see it--i.e., “Alvin and the Chipmunks” (which my 5-year-old is also keen on seeing)--and told me it’s not as bad as it sounds. Which reminds me of what Mark Twain said about the music of Richard Wagner: “It’s not as bad as it sounds.”